LAURA CARTLEDGE: I am not bonkers – conkers really are the answer to our spider fears

Laura Cartledge.
Laura Cartledge.

CEILING Spider, as he has become known, has decided his favourite spot is just above my bed.

It’s brilliant.

Nothing like having a staring match when I should be sleeping.

I am not too scared to turn the light off – I just don’t want him to win.

I know, I am not even convincing myself.

Yes, I could relocate him – my veggie morals won’t let me squash him – but that means moving nearer.

Having said that ,he was briefly renamed Landed-On-My-Pillow-Next-To-My-Face-And-Learnt-How-To-Fly Spider, as I threw the pillow, with him on it, towards my door.

But the next night he was back.

This, and reports of the false widow being found nearby, has got me paying closer attention to the eight-legged fiends.

Perhaps a little too much.

Not only could every itch be a bite, every spider has fangs.

But did you know conkers could be the answer?

I don’t blame you if you don’t believe me; when I tweeted about it this week, half of Twitter didn’t either.

While my partner has it down on his list of ‘Lauraisms’.

Along with looking at the sun to help you sneeze, putting a spoon in your mouth when cutting onions, and cooking pasta in the microwave.

I swear by all of them, but especially the last one...

Hot water, ten minutes, on high, done! No having to stand there and stir.

But anyway, conkers...

It’s not just an old housewives’ tale, there is science to it – spiders don’t like a chemical they let off.

We’ve got them in the sitting room and it has worked a treat – not a spider in sight.

Which, given that I live in a little old cottage where they normally outnumber us humans a million-to-one, isn’t bad going.

Unless you take into account the fact that they’ve just moved into other rooms.